Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
