What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I need to calm my uterus...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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