Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
not ubering you a puppy
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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