he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
