I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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