So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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