I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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