life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Drunk is a universal language darling
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