He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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