He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
