I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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