i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
