just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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