I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
