she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
