If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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