Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
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