The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
They are going to name an STD after you.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
