you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just googled if crying burns calories
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
