"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
