I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
