I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
