every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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