drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
