My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We just shotgunned beers for America
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
