a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
