I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
