I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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