Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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