The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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