This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
