His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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