now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
