What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
