Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
