I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
