Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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