i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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