You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
