my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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