there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
