the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
There are leaves in my underwear?
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