you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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