I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize