i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
