So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
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