Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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