im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I can't trust your balls anymore.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize