my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
