Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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