what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
