evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
