So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
