I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
