your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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