My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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