I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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