Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
