i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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