My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
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