Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
