The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize